Wises of the Week

collected in the field

• Avoid jumping into a huge pile of snow, if you can help it. By an ancient law of the universe, it'll only turn out to be a giant pile of cow pat (tastefully dusted in a thin layer of snow), and you'll get stuck in it.

• Refrain from putting in a contact lens having recently messed around with siracha. It'll end in tears.

• Never go into a forest with a dodgy tummy. Neither toilet paper, nor toilets themselves, are naturally occurring, and there is nothing more humiliating than wiping with a leaf.